Hogwarts Musical!
by Da Phoenix 13
Summary: What if the end of Deathly Hallows had been like the ending of High School Musical? DH spoilers. Now a series of strange crossovertype oneshots.
1. We're All In This Together!

Disclaimer: I am not J.K. Rowling or Zac Efron... though I'm slightly obsessed with both!!!

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The war was over, Voldemort was defeated, and the whole Great Hall was going wild with cheering students, some of whom were still bleeding. Harry was lifted up onto the crowd's shoulders, cheering as hard as any of them, pumping his fists in the air. Oliver Wood was sobbing as hard as he had when Gryffindor had won the Quidditch Cup back in Harry's third year, and he had taken it upon himself to lead an obnoxious, nonsensical cheer to celebrate the end of the war. 

"WHAT TEAM?!?" Oliver shouted to the crowd of nameless Hogwarts students. (He probably meant to say "school", or something, but "team" was one of the few words Oliver knew how to use correctly.)

"HOGWARTS!!!!"

"WHAT TEAM?!?"

"HOGWARTS!!!!"

"WHAT TEAM?!?"

"HOGWARTS!!!!"

"HOGWARTS!" beamed Oliver Wood, proud to have a purpose in the narrative again.

"GETCHA HEAD IN THE GAME!!!!" screamed the Hogwarts student body, without having any idea what game their heads were supposed to be in.

Laughing, Harry turned and saw Ginny, running toward him wearing a sexy, low-cut red dress she had definitely not been wearing during the battle only a few minutes before.

"Congratulations, Wildcat!" she squealed as she hugged him tightly.

"Ginny!" Harry muttered, embarrassed. "You're only supposed to call me that when we're alone together…"

She blushed as red as her hair, still beaming.

"How'd your battle go?" he asked her.

"Mummy killed Bellatrix and called her a bitch!" said Ginny proudly.

And at that moment, Harry was overcome with his deep love for this slutty redhead. He leaned in for a kiss…

"Hey Boy-Who-Lived!" said Ron, stepping in between them and holding Nagini's severed head in his hand. "We voted that you should keep this snake-head thing… or whatever…" He shoved it into Harry's hands.

"Uh… thanks, Ron," said Harry, deeply annoyed that his best friend had interrupted his snogging session with his little sister. Ron grinned and walked toward Hermione.

"So," he said to Hermione, "I guess this means you have to go to Australia and get your parents' memories back, huh?"

Hermione's eyes widened. "You mean like… on our honeymoon?!?!?"

Ron looked confused for a moment, then said, grinning, "Guess it must be my lucky day!"

Hermione squealed in a most un-Hermione-ish way and hurried over to Ginny, proclaiming "Ron just asked me to marry him!"

"Wow, that was quick!" said Ginny. Just then, Draco Malfoy and Goyle came over to her, the former looking rather hostile, and the latter looking rather hungry.

"Well, congratulations," said Draco with a scathing look at the way Harry was looking at Ginny. "I guess that the only way Harry and I will get together is if you cheat on him and he needs sympathy sex, so… don't screw the pooch."

Ginny looked appalled. Draco smiled and said, "That's my special way of saying, 'Take good care of the man I love!'" He giggled and walked away from the very confused redhead, who was now beginning to question Harry's heterosexuality (incredibly, for the first time).

"Hey Draco?" Draco turned to see Dean Thomas staring at him with a look of longing on his face. "I just wanted to say," Dean continued, "that even though your family's full of Death Eaters and you just lost the war and stuff, I still think you're great." He placed a slashy hand on Draco's shoulder as he continued, looking at the blonde Slytherin with a look of infatuation, "I…_ admire_ you so much."

"And why _wouldn't_ you?" said Draco smugly, conveniently forgetting about his family full of Dark Wizards, his newly-found destitution, his father the convict, and, OH YEAH, his attempted Dumbledoreacide. "Now, buh-bye," he finished as he tried to push past a hurt-looking Dean.

"Wait!" cried Dean, not wanting to lose his lover; he rummaged in his pocket for a gift, and found a Dirigible Plum given to him by Luna the night she told him she loved him; apparently the gift of a Dirigible Plum was how the Crumple-Horned Snorkack expressed true love. Dean smiled and handed the orange radish-like vegetable to _his_ true love. "I got you this Dirigible Plum…"

"Ew!" Draco interjected, wrinkling his perfect little nose at the sight of the vegetable, and he scurried off to find his parents. Goyle, however, who was very hungry, smiled at the sight of the edible-looking thing, and he snatched it from Dean, saying, "Thanks a lot, man."

Dean's eyes widened. "You can TALK?!?!?" He walked away dejected as Goyle began stuffing his face with the sign of his affection for Draco Malfoy. Meanwhile, Harry and the DA had gathered around Neville.

"Here ya go, Neville!" said Harry, shoving Nagini's bloody, maggot-infested, rotting head into Neville's hands. "After all, you're the one who killed the snake and made the only vaguely trophy-like thing in the entire battle! You deserve this rotten snake head… thing… you BAMF!" The student body roared its approval of Neville's newfound badassness; he grinned sheepishly and held the putrid decapitation close to his heart.

At that moment, the Hogwarts marching band came pouring into the Great Hall, led by George Weasley, who was grinning broadly thanks to the 17 Cheering Charms he had put on himself so he could forget that his twin was dead.

"Wait!" said Parvati Patil, looking bewildered. "Since when has Hogwarts had a marching band?"

"Since forever!" said Seamus Finnigan. "They play during halftime at all the Quidditch matches, don't you remember?"

"Quidditch doesn't have halftime…" began Ron, looking confused, but was cut off by Harry's squeals of joy.

"Oh my GAWD, a marching band! I thought all we had were the Magical Hufflepuff Toad Choir and the Triwizard Tournament Creepy Maze Ironic Pep Band!"

"How could you not know that?" asked Neville, looking stunned. "I played the tuba in it all seven years! I mean, um…" he faltered, realizing that tuba-playing was clashing with his new image as a BAMF. "Uh," Neville cleared his throat gruffly and puffed out his chest in an attempt to look more manly, "…Quidditch."

Now that the sudden appearance of a full marching band was no longer a shock, the survivors of the Battle of Hogwarts began to sing and dance, happy that the war was finally over and that the bodies had all been moved so they wouldn't trip over them during their dance. They all began to sing:

_Together, together, together everyone!_

_Together, together, come on, let's have some fun!_

_Together, we're there for each other every time!_

_Together, together, come on, let's do this right!_

_Here and now, it's time for celebration,_ sang Harry,

_I finally figured it out! (Yeah, yeah! _sang the centaurs.)

_The Deathly Hallows beat all Tom's __Horcruxes_

_That's what it's all about!_

Ginny sang:

_"Everyone helped Harry save the __wo-orld_

_We make each other strong…"_

_"We make each other strong," _echoed Hermione and Luna rather unnecessarily.

"_Now __he and I, can finally get married," _Ginny continued,

_"Together's where we __belo-oooong__…"_

And now all the Hogwartsians began to sing:

_"We're all in this together!_

_'__Cept__ for the, __Slytherins__, '__cause__ we know, they're all evil!_

_We're all in this together,_

_And it shows, when we stand, hand in hand, _

_Make our dreams come __truuueeeee__!"_

And now Ron got up and stood on the teacher's table, singing:

_"We're all here, and speaking out with one voice!_

_We're __gonna__ rock the Hall! ("Rock the Hall!" _squealed thousands of tiny house-elves.)

_The party's on, now everybody __make__ some noise,_

_Come on, scream and shout!"_

Ron dove off the table into a crowd of Hufflepuffs, but since they were just little wimpy Hufflepuffs they collapsed under his weight. Draco came strutting in from the entrance hall alone, wishing to congratulate (in song, of course) his schoolmates on winning the war:

_"You were right, because you stuck together!_

_Champions, one and all,__"_ sang Draco in his high, girly voice that made Dean and Harry swoon. Ginny slapped them both back into straightness as they took up the chorus again.

_"We're all in this together!_

_'__Cept__ for the, __Slytherins__, '__cause__ we know, they're all evil!_

_We're all in this together,_

_And it shows, when we stand, hand in hand,_

_Make our dreams come…_

_We're all in this together!_

_Get your Nimbus and fly, know inside we can make it!_

_We're all in this together,_

_Once we see, there's a chance, to kill Voldemort, and he takes it!"_

And now the students began crowding around Harry and singing in his honor:

_"Wildcat, sing along!_

_Yeah, you really got it __goin__' on!_

_Wildcat's in the house!_

_Everybody, sing it now!_

_Wildcat's __over there_

_Wave your hands up in the air!_

_That's the way he __do__ it,_

_Let's get to it, time to show the world!"_

"GINNY!!!" Harry bellowed as the song continued. "I told you not to call me that in public! Now I'll never be able to live that nickname down!!!!" He burst into very unmanly tears, which deterred the crowd from singing about him and so they resumed their inspirational battle cry:

_"We're all in this together!_

_'__Cept__ for the, __Slytherins__, 'cause we know, they're all evil!_

_We're all in this together,_

_And it shows, when we stand, hand in hand,_

_Make our dreams come…_

_We're all in this together!_

_Get your Nimbus and fly, know inside we can make it!_

_We're all in this together,_

_Once we see, there's a chance, to kill Voldemort, and he takes it!_

_Wizards, everywhere,_

_Wave your hands up in the air!_

_That's the way we do it,_

_Let's get to it,_

_C'mon, everyone!"_

The song had ended, but the Marching Hog Warts played on, still conducted by George with that insane grin on his face only an overdose on Cheering Charms could cause.

Harry and his friends gathered around and had a group hug, still moving their feet in time to the music and grinning like a bunch of kids at the happy ending of a Disney movie.

"Wow, that went better than I expected," remarked Ginny. "Who knew we were all that good at song improvisation?"

"And who would have believed that we all did the exact same dance moves?" added Ron.

"AND that we're all dressed alike!" Harry threw in. They all looked down; indeed, they were all wearing their Hogwarts uniforms, even the parents who hadn't been students at the school in 50 years. They all looked up, shrugged, and went back to their freestylin'.

After 18 solid hours of partying, the marching band had all collapsed from exhaustion, so the weary battlers had gone to bed… all except poor, rejected Dean Thomas, all alone in the Great Hall, kicking at some rubble dejectedly. Then, the doorway was graced with the presence of a gorgeous someone…

"That Dirigible Plum was brilliant… the most wonderful thing I've ever gotten! Will you get me some more, Dean?!?"

Dean looked up just in time to be knocked back by the most intense embrace he had ever experienced. Looking right into his new lover's eyes, he grinned and said seductively, "I might even make you a crème brulee…"

Gregory Goyle squealed happily.


	2. Bet On It!

_Hooray, another weird songfic! It's an AU version of the end of OotP... Fred and George are running a gambling ring, Sirius is in a ghostly backup band... hilarity ensues! I think. (This used to be its own fic, but I decided to lump the two together! Since I migh make more...)_

_Disclaimer: I still don't own Zac Efron or Harry Potter. Although if I did, I'd make Zac and George fight to the death over me._ _I'm a little obsessed..._

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It was the end of the world as we know it.

Haha, not really.

But things at Hogwarts were starting to get a little bit crazy-go-nuts. Everyone had suddenly decided to believe Harry's whining that Voldemort had come back from the dead, but were they happy?

Would YOU be happy?!? Loser.

They were freaking out, of course! Someone had set the Hufflepuff table on fire, and people were snogging like horny magical teenagers, but all the students could do about that was watch in horror as Professors McGonagall and Dumbledore got it onnnnn. Harry, meanwhile, was still sulking in the corner, removed from the chaos.

"Mannnn," he whined, "I can't believe I gotta beat Voldemort." He stuck out his lower lip, pouting.

Hermione rolled her eyes impatiently. "Look, you won't have to worry about that for at least two more years!" she said reasonably, patting him on the back in a subtexty way that made Ron glower at the two of them.

"And in the meantime, we're taking bets on which one of you will survive!" announced Fred, strolling into the Great Hall even though he had already made his grand exit from the school a few months before. He rattled a box full of money and held up a clipboard with odds written on it.

"We're going to make a fortune off of you, mate!" added George, grinning sexily. _(Author's note: hearts!)_

"Well, because everyone's betting against you, we'll only get rich if you survive," corrected Fred. "Which is kind of unlikely." Harry burst into tears.

"Who wants to bet on Harry?" called George to the chaotic Hall. No one answered, knowing that Harry was pretty much screwed.

"OMG I DO!!!!!!!" yelled Ludo Bagman, appearing out of nowhere and dumping a pile of gold into George's lap. "Just put half on Harry and the other half on You-Know-Who, okay?"

"Sweet!" grinned Fred evilly, finally getting his revenge on the corrupt wagerer... er.

Harry was shocked. None of his BFFs believed that he could do it?!?

"None of you believe I can do it?!?" he asked in an appalled voice to his BFFs.

"Of course not, Potter," drawled Draco Malfoy, appearing out of the shadows to leer at his boyfriend. "You pretty much suck at life, so there's no way you can beat the Dark Lord!"

"I could beat him at _arm wrestling,_" Harry attempted, though he knew his argument was unspeakably feeble thanks to his utter lack of upper body strength. "Or, um... a _whining contest! _Ehhhhh!" He whined just to prove his point.

"Uh, I changed my mind," said Bagman uneasily. "Put it all on Voldemort."

Scowling, Harry adopted his newly-found emo personality and stalked off into the grounds, where he burst into a dramatic song:

_Everybody's always __talkin__' at me,_

_Everybody's __tryin__' to get in my head!_

_I __wanna__ listen to my own heart __talkin'..._

_I need to count on myself instead._

Wanting to help add to the drama of this song, the ghosts of Sirius and his parents flew in and formed Harry's invisible backup band.

**_Did you ever?_ **they asked in song, rhetorically. Harry looked confused for a minute, but then he decided to roll with it. 

_Lose your godfather to drapery?_ he continued.

_**Did you ever?**_

_Love, but then break up with Gin-ny? _

_**Did you ever?**_

_Push away the ones you should've held close?_

_Did you ever let go, did you ever not knooooow..._

Harry decided it was time for him to start dancing like a spastic capuchin monkey, and he did so. He jumped up and around in circles, running all around the packed grounds, ignoring the confused stares of his fellow students.

_I'm not gonna stop, that's who I am!_

_I'll give it all I got, that is my plan!_

_Will I find what I lost?_

_You know you can_

_Bet on it, bet on it, bet on it, bet on it (Bet on meeeeee!_ he added, looking directly at the Weasley twins.)

_I wanna make it right, that is the way!_

_To kill that Voldemort,_

_I, will, someday!_

_Am I the type of guy who means what I say?_

_Bet on it, bet on it, bet on it, bet on it!_

He quit his spastic jumping to walk dramatically along the edge of the lake.

_How will I know if there's a path worth takin'?_

_Should I question every move I make?_

_With all I've lost, my heart is breakin..._ (Here he paused to sob, thinking about all the dead people he knew.)

_I don't wanna make the same mistakes._

**_Did you ever?_** threw in his parents and Sirius again. The Hogwarts students looked around, wondering where that mysterious singing was coming from. 

_Doubt your dreams were really true?_ Harry asked, remembering the visions Voldemort had planted in his mind.

_**Did you ever?**_

_Get gum stuck to the sole of your shoe?_ Harry scowled, noticing a giant wad of Droobles was stuck to the bottom of his trainer. 

_I will never run from the Dark Lord again,_

_I don't wanna win this game if I can't play it my way!_

_"_What game?" asked Ron, confused as always.

"Why, Quidditch, of course!" cried Oliver Wood, popping up even though he had graduated two years earlier.

"IT'S A METAPHOR, YOU PHILISTINES!!!!!!!!!!!" Harry screamed, before continuing his song and dance.

_I'm not gonna stop, that's who I am! (Who I ammm!_ cried Ron, wanting to be a part of Harry's angstiness.)

_I'll give it all I got, that is my plan!_ (_That's my plan!_ added Ron.)

_Will I find what I lost?_

_You know you can (You know you can,_ said Malfoy; Ron looked furious that someone was stealing his thunder.)

_Bet on it, bet on it, bet on it, bet on it (Bet on meeeeeee!_ Harry cried, glaring at Fred and George, who were still taking thousands of bets against him.)

_I wanna make it right, that is the way!_

_To kill that Voldemort, _

_I, will, someday!_

_Am I the type of guy who means what I say?_

_Bet on it, bet on it, bet on it, bet on it!_

Harry, who had been doing his capuchin monkey dance again, suddenly froze; Ron, who had been dancing behind him, kept dancing and knocked him over.

_Oh, hold up,_ Harry said to Ron.

_Give me room to think, bring it on down_

_Gotta work on my swing_ (Harry swayed his hips.)

_Gotta do my own thing_

_Hold up!_ Crestfallen, Ron walked away from the fun dance party Harry wanted to have by himself now.

Harry felt like brooding, so he walked down to the edge of the lake and peered at his reflection. He looked absolutely unrecognizeable: there were dark circles under his eyes from his lack of sleep, and while he had been sleeping, Snape had snuck up and drawn a mustache on his lip with a Sharpie. Harry moaned:

_It's no good at all_

_to see yourself and not recognize your face..._

_Out on my own, it's such a scary place!_

_Ooh..._

_The answers are all inside of me,_

_All I gotta do..._

_Iiiiis belieeeeeeeeeve!!!!_ Harry's voice got incredibly high and girly as he hit the high notes, and Draco swooned. Done moping for the moment, he jumped up and sang with renewed vigor:

_I'm not gonna stop_

_Not gonna stop till I get my shot_

_That's who I am_

_That is my plan_

_Will I end up on top again?_ (Draco squealed.)

_Bet on it, bet on it, bet on it, bet on it, _

_you can bet on it, bet on it, bet on it, bet on it (Bet On Meeeee!!!_ Ron shrieked, forgetting for a moment that he was Ron and not Harry.)

_I wanna make it right, that is the way_

_To kill that Voldemort,_

_I, will, someday!_

_Am I the type of guy who means what I say_

_Bet on it, bet on it, bet on it, bet on it_

_You can bet on meeeeeeee!_ Harry finally concluded, holding his arms up in the air triumphantly, looking expectantly at the Hogwarts student body. They all just stared at him.

"Um," Neville finally said, "what was that all about?"

Harry let his arms fall limply to his sides, flabbergasted. "Were you not listening to my song?!?!?" he shrieked. "You should bet on me, not Voldemort!"

"Pfffff, no way," retorted Seamus, putting 100 Galleons on Voldemort. "We're not retarded." Harry scowled and stalked off to shoot some hoops, forgetting that he played Quidditch and not basketball.

Meanwhile, the Weasley twins were gloating over how many bets they had made that afternoon. "Blimey!" said Fred. "If Voldemort wins the war, we're going to be RICH!"

"Well, maybe Harry will win the fight," said George fairly. "I mean, there's always a chance, right?"

Fred scoffed. "About as much chance as Percy making a joke good enough to make me die laughing, I suppose!" The twins burst out laughing.

"You're right," agreed George, wiping tears of laughter from his eyes. "I don't know what I was thinking." _(Author's note: cue hysterical sobs!)_

"Shall we high-five and end this story?" Fred asked.

"Nah," George wrinkled his nose, "that's so passé."

"Right," said Fred uncertainly, forgetting that there were other ways of ending a fic after the series of high-fives in everyone's favorite lemon pie epic, "But What About Voldemort?" that the twins had starred in. "But then how will this story ever end?!?"

"Like this!" shouted Da Phoenix as she made the twins do a cannonball into the lake JUST LIKE IN HSM2!!!

_

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__Review!!!!_


	3. A Fishy Love Story

_This is a parody of the HSM 2 deleted song, "__Humu __Humu__". Anyone with the soundtrack or a younger sibling will know what I mean. And if you don't know the song… loser._

_Disclaimer: As delicious as __Zac__ is, I don't own him. Oh, or Harry. But he's not yummy, so who wants him?

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_

The second task of the Triwizard Tournament had ended hours ago, but Hermione still hadn't come out of the lake. Harry and Ron huddled by the lake's edge, anxious and worried about their friend. What had gone wrong with the task?!?!?

Suddenly, Hermione's bushy head broke through the surface of the frigid water.

"OMG HERMIONE!!!!!!!" Ron shrieked, running toward her, falling on his face into the lake.

"What happened to you?" Harry asked.

"Oh… nothing," replied Hermione, her face red as a "red lemon pie." "Um… I just… uh… I don't think I'm coming back to Hogwarts with you," she finished in a rush.

Ron sat up in the lake, spitting out a piece of seaweed. "_Why not?!?!?!?"_ he demanded of his girlfriend- I mean, friend who was a girl. But they would get married someday, right? _Right?!?_

"Well," Hermione began, "I've decided to live among the merpeople for the rest of my life."

Harry and Ron gaped at her. "That is such a Luna thing to say," Harry finally commented.

"How would you know what Luna would say?" Ron scoffed. "You won't even meet her until next year…"

Hermione giggled. "Don't worry, guys, I'm not crazy!" she said, her hair wild and entangled with seaweed and her eyes wide with excitement.

"Riiiiiiiiiight…" muttered Harry.

"Really!" she insisted, sounding a bit more like her old Hermioneish self. "It'll be absolutely fascinating! And besides," she added, her face reddening even more, "I've found something down there that I could _never_ find up here." She glared at Ron pointedly.

"What, the giant squid?" asked Ron, oblivious as usual.

"NO!!!!!" Hermione screamed at her by now former love interest. "LOVE, YOU KUMQUAT!!!!!!!!!!!"

Ron was flabbergasted. _"You fell in love with the giant squid?!?!?"_

"Don't be ridiculous," scoffed the buck-toothed bookworm. "He's a _merman._"

Harry was puzzled. "'Kumquat'?!" But he let it go to ponder Hermione's choice of life partner. Trying to keep things as civil as possible, he decided not to yell at Hermione for being crazy and tried to find out more about her new man. "So… er… what's he like?"

"He's sooooooo dreamy," replied Hermione, looking lovestruck. "Here, I'll introduce you!" She stuck her head underwater and shrieked some unearthly noise to call her new boyfriend.

"Since when can you speak Mermish?" asked Ron, scowling with the newfound realization that he had been replaced by a _fish._ And not even a whole fish, but a _mutant fish_.

"Everyone who's read _Hogwarts, __A__ History_ can speak Mermish," Hermione explained. "Oooh, here he comes!!"

A rather ugly fishboy had just breached the surface. His skin was green and sickly looking, his long dark hair hung in strings around his scaly face, and his teeth were much worse than Austin Powers'. Overall, he much resembled a young Snape with the stomach flu and dental hygiene issues. Oh yeah, and a tail.

"Hi," said Harry awkwardly to the fishboy. "Er… what's your name?"

"_Humuhumunukunukuapua'a," _croaked the merman.

"That means 'Steve' in Mermish," Hermione explained to the dumbstruck boys. Just then, Ginny came traipsing down the lawn toward the spectacle unfolding in the lake.

"Um… hi, everyone," Ginny began, staring at Hermione snogging the fishboy. "What's going on?"

_"What's going on?"_ Ron repeated dangerously. "Ohh, I'll tell you what's going on…" And from out of nowhere, he pulled out a ukulele and, glowering, began to play a cheerful little island tune, while Hermione and Humuhumunukunukuapua'a… I mean, Steve, began to dance along.

_Not so long ago, about ten feet away,_

_Lived the booklover Hermione,_ sang Ron,

_She had hair like a bush, and she talked so much_

_That she was a pain in the __hiney. _(Hermione scowled at the scorned redhead.)

_And despite all this,_

_She had one secret wish…_

"OK Ronald, let me tell my own story now!" Hermione interrupted, and she began to sing.

_I fell in love with a truly remarkable fish!_

_My sweet prince…_ And now Hermione began to sing in "Mermish".

_Humuhumunukunukuapua'a,_

_Maka __hiki__ mala __hini__ who,_

_Humuhumunukunukuapua'a, __ooooooooooooh!!!_

_I __wanna __waka __waka __waka __niki __pu __pu __pu._

"AND WHAT IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?!?!?!?" screamed Ron, who, not having read _Hogwarts, A History,_ did not speak Mermish. "DO YOU WANT TO HAVE UNDERWATER SEX WITH THIS GUY?!?"

"That's not what it means!!" said Hermione, scandalized. "All it means is that we want to swim around in the lake together… and have underwater sex," she added in an undertone. Before Ron could retort, she went on with the song.

_Now Steve is a boy who is under a spell_

_That has left him all wet and scaly._

_I sing from my heart with the power of love…_

_I'M HER MAN WITH THE UKULELE!!_ Ron cut in, trying to feel important. He strummed a chord on the Hawaiian instrument just to make his point. Hermione rolled her eyes and sang to Humu… Steve.

_Come to me__ (Come to her,_ echoed Harry, trying to join in the fun.)

_My sweet one, and be still._

_I'll grasp your tail, then stroke each tender gill!_

Ron gasped, and then started trying to swim out far enough to strangle Steve. Hermione didn't notice as she continued singing:

_My sweet prince_

_Humuhumunukunukuapua'a,_

_Maka __hiki__ mala __hini__ who,_

_Humuhumunukunukuapua'a, __ooooooooooooh!!!_

_I __wanna __waka __waka __waka __niki __pu __pu __pu._

This was too much for Ron, who was now doing his very best to beat up Steve. Unfortunately for him, Steve was a mermaid wrestling champion, and so was much stronger than this pre-Quidditch playing Ron. Harry took it upon himself to narrate the epic fight.

"This is where we get into the whole honor fighting thing_,"_ he explained to Ginny.

_Well Steve, he swung, and then Ronnie cried,_

_When he lost, he had a fit!_

"Yeah, Harry, I can see that," deadpanned Ginny, watching the fight unfold.

"Shut up, woman, and let me tell you what happened!" yelled Harry as he continued.

_Ronnie jumped on Steve,_

_Who got really __mad,_

_And he kicked Ron in the face!_

_KICKED ME IN THE FACE!_ Ron echoed happily.

Harry and Ginny looked really weirded out, so they did what any rational person would do in the situation: they began to rap about Steve.

_St-__st__-__st__ Stevie, St-__stevie,_

_Com__e on, __speakie, __speakie, __speakie,_

_Even though you can't speak English!_

_St-__st__-__st__ Stevie, St-__stevie,_

_Come on, __speakie, __speakie, __speakie!_

_Now words I will not mince,_ said Hermione sternly.

_The two of you are worse than the Fresh Prince! _Harry and Ginny hung their heads in shame.

"Here, listen to me speak Mermish!" said Hermione excitedly. She did a fairly bad impression of Dory's whale talk for about half an hour, making Steve gaze at her lovingly and making Harry and Ginny cringe openly. Hermione's Mermish actually inspired Steve to open his mouth and begin to sing:

_I'm Prince Humuhumunukunukuapua'a,_

_Maka __hiki__ mala __hini__ who._

"EVERYBODY!" commanded Hermione, and Harry, Ginny, and Ron joined in the song.

_Humuhumunukunukuapua'a, __ooooooooooooh_

Hermione finished,

_I __wanna __waka __waka __waka __niki __pu __pu __pu._

_Waka __waka __waka __niki __pu __pu __pu._

_Waka __waka __waka __niki __pu!_

_Pu!_

_Puuuuuu!!!!_

_Yeah!_ Hermione stage-whispered, as Ron strummed a final chord on the ukulele.

"Oooookeaaaaay," said Ginny, feeling distinctly awkward after being subjected to that spectacle. "Well, that explains a lot… I guess…" She raised one of her eyebrows.

Ron was still distraught over being replaced by a merman… especially one as ugly as Steve. "Waaaaaah!!!!" he cried, clinging to Harry, who, meanwhile, was trying to be a good friend to Hermione.

"Um, well, I hope you two are happy together," he told Hermione and Steve, who both squealed and sank beneath the waves.

Ron glared at Harry. "Oh sure, take _her_ side!" he yelled, storming away back to the castle. Ginny, meanwhile, was peering down to where Hermione and Steve had disappeared to.

"How long do you think they'll last?" she asked Harry curiously.

"Oh, about as long as it takes Hermione to realize she can't live without oxygen," said Harry unconcernedly.

They stood there for about three minutes, waiting, and then Hermione's body floated to the surface. Harry and Ginny stared at the corpse for about a minute, then Ginny turned to Harry and said, "Wanna go make out on the Astronomy Tower?"

"Meh, ok," agreed Harry as the two linked arms and walked away from the lake.


End file.
